Two weeks into graduate school. Two weeks into a sudden onslaught of reading, papers, projects, assessments and stress. Some moments feel like a dive off a cliff in the dark. I’m enjoying the feeling of my heart in my throat, and the challenge ahead. I’m also terrified. The thing I’m realizing as I plunge in is that I am scared in a way I have never been scared before. Specifically, I am terrified of failing. I think it’s something akin to the realization, as an adult, that you are mortal. That you can be hurt. It’s born of a loss of that youthful certainty (despite even a rational knowledge of the truth) that you are invincible, immortal. During my undergraduate studies, I don’t think it ever occurred to me that I wouldn’t do well. Granted, I often didn’t do well, but even reality didn’t seem to phase me much. Things have changed, now, and I am finding that my inner monologue these days is one of fear, not confidence. I am afraid of failing, and I have found myself seeing each new quiz, test, paper and project as an opportunity to let myself down rather than a chance to shine, or at least progress relentlessly forward through what is going to be plenty of challenge in the coming months and years.
Although some of this is just first-week jitters, to be sure, it is also a way of approaching the world that has been settling in, of late. It comes from dropping out of graduate school once already. It comes of not living up to the high expectations I had for myself and my life as an starry-eyed idealist over a decade ago, now.
When I started writing about running sled dogs, I decided to call the blog Overflow because overflow was something I was initially terrified to encounter on the trail, and running a dog team nearly every day was a way to force myself to face very concrete fears in a kind of metaphysical and yet very physical exercise in personal courage. And just as, when I finally ran through overflow alone and miles from home and not only survived but had a fantastic run despite being soaked and cold, I hope that this new exercise in forced fear confrontation turns into a graduate course in learning to meet every challenge, even the unwelcome ones, not with fear and anxiety, but with excitement and with hope.
entelechyproject 